I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
