I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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