I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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