i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
