it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
