part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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