New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
