omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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