She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
