Ambien. No doubt about it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
