I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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