Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
zippers are such a cool invention
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
