It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
