Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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