So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
