I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
