Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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