i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
