just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
