He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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