I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
