Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
