new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
