Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Of course I have a pirate flag
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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