Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I wish there were birth control emojis
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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