shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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