He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
True strength comes from lack of pants
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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