I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
