Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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