remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
