can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
