I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
All the doctor said was why
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
