I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
