I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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