No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
