Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
