he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
