And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
