It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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