I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
