My balls are so social today.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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