Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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