Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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