right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
