Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
