i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
