Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
