girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
