i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it glows. i had to have it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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