Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
